Regret is too light a word.

Sometimes I just wonder if I've made all the wrong decisions all this time. I feel like I've lost everything. Everything I barely had. I don't know what to do.

Yet I know that You work all things for my good. Because I do love You..and I am called according to Your purpose. You will finish the work You have begun. You are true to Your promises. Nothing can thwart Your purposes in my life. Nothing can separate me from Your love. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. Oh keep my eyes on You...keep my heart and mind steadfast on You and wrap my heart in Your peace. Give me faith to trust what You say. Let Your words loom larger than my circumstances. Let me find rest in You. Saturate me in Your presence and fill me with Your Spirit. I need You.

maranatha

Jesus...You said you would come back again one day. Today would be good. Or any day shortly hereafter.

The edge of the Jordan

That day in September did end in joy somewhat. Not what I wanted it to be, but something nonetheless. I left with peace. Since then, I've thought it was hopeless and over so many times yet it came back and forth. I've continued to pray for restoration. I've waited and made my decision to step out in faith and move based on Your promise. For a while, nothing happened and I thought that maybe I wasn't supposed to be there...maybe I would go back to Egypt. And then, all of a sudden, You begin to open doors. Although, the words have been spoken that what I long for will never happen...yet whose word should I believe? Your promise or the faulty word of man? Take my actions in moving as faith in Your promise. Help my unbelief.

 I feel as though I was in captivity in Louisiana. I spent so long feeling stuck there. Yet, during that time, I grew so much in knowledge of You. I grew so much in trusting You and following Your voice. It was my Egypt. Like Israel growing in numbers....my faith and spiritual maturity grew larger. Then my Promised Land became known....I was ready to go! Ready to take it and inhabit it. But like Joshua and Caleb...I discovered that my readiness wasn't matched by the other party. So I've been in the wilderness. Halfway between Egypt and the Promised Land. You've sustained me with manna in this wilderness. I've grown even closer and deeper in understanding and dependence on Your provision. Now the time has come to cross Jordan and begin taking Jericho. You led Your people in...You didn't leave them in the wilderness forever....You never change. Come bring me into my Promised Land. Bring me in to take it and inhabit it. Fulfill the promises You've made. Bring to pass the visions You've given me. Don't delay. Bring me home.

Agony of hope

I hear the word never. I see the impossible circumstances. Yet, I feel confidence in Your word of restoration. I'm afraid to believe because I'm so afraid of hoping and believing in something that I want to be true and afraid I'm reading into something. Yet, when You've spoken it hasn't been something I've been looking for...it's been something from an outside source that has nothing to do with my situation. Last night, Mark reminded me what it was like to hear the word of the Spirit..that as you grow in Christ you begin to recognize His voice. You know when He highlights something in your spirit. Then this morning, as I loaded the truck to leave, I was playing the worship podcasts on shuffle and I said, it would be nice to come back in with a word from You playing, and the minute I stepped back in the door, what Kevin was saying was that God will fulfill every word He's spoken. "The things that You have spoken WILL come to pass." Double restoration when I have prayed for my friends? The next one will be the one? Everything is about to change? You will bring me into my own land? You will clean me from my rebellion? You will sprinkle me with clean water? You will put Your Spirit in me in greater measure? For me to aim for restoration? Indeed many of these things You have already begun to accomplish. Father, let this day end in joy. Restore and rebuild and reconcile today, Lord.

John 6

Jesus You walk upon the stormy sea of life. Would you come and walk in the midst of my storm? Jesus, come put Your feet everywhere there is tragedy and grief and calamity and anxiety and uncertainty and fear. Speak Your words in my storm..."it is I, do not be afraid."

The Blood

Nothing but the blood of Christ can make us whole again. Not just from our sin and our failures but make us whole from the sin of those who have failed us. The healing in His wounds covers all sin in my life. It heals all scars...the self-inflicted ones and those I have no control over..that others have done against me.

Angry

May this weekend pass quickly.